Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
