my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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