I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
