OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
