I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
