Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
