Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
