I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
