Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
