is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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