On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world