mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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