I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
