I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my being single is dangerous.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
