Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
