Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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