if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
