My sheets look like a crime scene.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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