Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
