I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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