Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
