Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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