I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
