you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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