Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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