My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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