dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
