i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
