I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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