I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
