I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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