I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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