I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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