I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
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Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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