I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
