New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
