3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
