I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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