Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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