watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
