The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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