i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
