She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
