Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
