You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
