you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
