apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
