You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
being pregnant is like rehab
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
