Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
