My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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