I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
