weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
