i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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