he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
