dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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