Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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