The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize