we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He shit in the fireplace
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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