my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My vagina is officially offended.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
