Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
