I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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