I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
