____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
